I think that's a good point. I recently read Soraya Chemaly's "All We Want is Everything"...how we dismantle male supremacy. It's excellent. I'm still processing it. We are all conditioned but most males have not learned the extent of their privilege.
Great! Equal partnerships have data showing that they make women AND MEN happier, and traditional unequal patriarchal marriages are less happy. I challenge you to read this, backing up my claims. Unless you’re too programmed by Fox News
As someone who was in a lot of Gottman research based couples therapy , I appreciate this article so much. Communication is important, yes, but almost useless if it doesn’t motivate change. That said in post divorce dating, I no longer fool myself thinking a person will change (at least not that much) but rather ask myself if I can live with the current version, the good and the bad swirled together.
This was our attempts at couples’ therapy completely. It was my husband, now ex, who could talk a good game and then never, ever, ever apply any of it in real life. Completely incapable of the slightest change. Finally, I just told him that he was the one needing therapy (I was in my own) and I was never going to counseling with him again until he looked at himself. Never happened. Absolutely crazy-making. He was never wrong or at fault for anything in 40 years of marriage.
I think a further extension of this is, if people don't want to change, that is their right. But then maybe these two people just shouldn't be together. Alison Armstrong said something to the effect that 90% of problems she sees between couples are the result of people being with the wrong person in the first place. That seems about right to me.
I agree with you. As a couples therapist I’ve seen the common and unfortunate dynamic where the person who “doesn’t want to change” either doesn’t know this themselves, continues to make promises (that even they believe in the moment) just believable enough that the other person holds out hope, or the non changer uses underhanded tactics to keep the relationship going. By this point, a huge investment of time and energy had been made, leaving the partner who desires change feeling crazy, resentful, like it’s their fault, making themselves smaller and their needs fewer to accommodate etc…
Many give in to the sunk cost fallacy and are truly “miserable with the familiar” they’ve spent so much time with rather than moving into the uncertain.
I bear witness to such abuse inside the relationships of my clients ! They are verbally skilled at acknowledging and agreeing to the abuse - yet they stay… To be clear, I am speaking about those who have the financial and social support to leave in this context.
People struggle to leave each other despite knowing the other person won’t change and they are truly a mis-match. 😞
I also believe the relationship industry keeps this sick dynamic going with the repeated tropes of better communication, understand your partner and where they’re coming from, be patient etc…
Rarely does a therapist say, “hey this might be hard to hear but I truly have not seen any evidence that shows me things will change between the two of you. If this will be your life here forward, how does that feel for you?” I say something like this frequently, when it’s clear to me this is more the truth than suggesting this app, this book, this communication exercise, a vacation, a retreat etc… This is the crossroad of raw, honest conversations and choices going forward. I’ve seen more folks remain together (and still profoundly unhappy) as they truly believe there is some magic wand is out there to move them from talk to action… It’s sad to see.
Exactly!! Honestly the thing that made the lightbulb go on for me was an Instragram post asking: "Do you want to be loved like this for the next 20 years?" And my response was a full-body "NO!"
The mismatch is even worse when abuse is happening. Communicating hurt and damage to someone who understands, but doesn't care, just validates what they're doing. Nothing has to change, you just have to say it differently. Again and again and again.
The Gottman Four Horsemen can also be viewed as a cycle or pattern. When even everyday requests from one partner are heard as criticism by the other regardless of intent, that leads to defensiveness which often leads to stonewalling which then tends to grow contempt in the person who made the original request. Then it repeats. It’s a phenomenal business model for divorce lawyers but not so great for the couples involved.
The thing I keep seeing with the women I work with is that they understand the problem completely and can describe the dynamic more accurately than most therapists could. The reason they stay in the communication loop is because somewhere underneath all of that understanding is a belief they've never quite examined: that the quality of their relationship is a direct reflection of the quality of their effort, which means if it's not working, they haven't done enough yet, haven't explained it right, haven't been patient enough, haven't made themselves easy enough to love.
Imago can, at its best, interrupt that. But it can also, without meaning to, reinforce it, because it keeps putting the woman back at the communication table with a new framework and asking her to try again.
Relational sovereignty asks a different question entirely: is this relationship asking me to continuously earn something that should simply be given?
Yes--absolutely -- this is my story truly. And it's so sad, because I really loved my husband and wished to be married to him for life -- but relational capacity was so limited that it would have meant a life time in an undernourishing relationship with breadcrumbs of love and endless amounts of labor flowing from me.
I think the narrative is that couples therapy can solve issues, but I believe a good therapist should also help you determine if a relationship is good one and worth staying in or not.
Patri, “why is it still happening?” gives this essay its sharpest turn. You name the point where communication, empathy, and therapeutic language can become a holding pattern if the household labor, emotional labor, responsibility, reliability, or reciprocity remain unchanged. I appreciate how carefully you protect the value of understanding while refusing to let explanation become a substitute for action. Grateful for the clarity and courage you bring to naming the moment when insight has to become changed behavior.
While I understand much of the context is set in intimate partnerships, I learned much from the examples at the end of this post that shone a light on organizational rupture between boards and management too. Thank you
I'm not a great believer in therapy applied to every distress the modern man has. That said, the moment I heard a married couple I know since forever arguing over household stuff and using words like you invalidate me and other stereotypes heard in therapy, I closed that door and bolted it
Understanding why someone behaves a certain way can create empathy. It doesn’t create change.
I see a similar pattern with money. Many women spend years understanding why the financial decisions happen the way they do, yet never become part of making them.
Have you heard of relational life therapy? Terry Real's philosophy is probably the most piercing perspective I've ever encountered for heterosexual relationships. I still argue he's not feminist enough, but it's a far better cry than any other orientation I've come across.
As a couples therapist I so appreciate this essay! You are spot on! I find many couples are skilled in “understanding and empathizing” with their partners while remaining stuck in the intellectualizing/therapy-speak phase. Many are, at the end of the day, afraid to make the changes. While they will confidently say they are disappointed, upset, angry, sad and so on with the status quo, once they realize the move from familiar to uncertainty is scary for both of them, there’s more expansiveness to explore role changes etc..
I think that unless a man has spent quality time deconstructing his patriarchal conditioning, couples counseling is unethical.
I think that's a good point. I recently read Soraya Chemaly's "All We Want is Everything"...how we dismantle male supremacy. It's excellent. I'm still processing it. We are all conditioned but most males have not learned the extent of their privilege.
thanks for the rec
Great! Equal partnerships have data showing that they make women AND MEN happier, and traditional unequal patriarchal marriages are less happy. I challenge you to read this, backing up my claims. Unless you’re too programmed by Fox News
https://badwoman.substack.com/p/egalitarian-men-have-happier-relationships?r=2scqfu&utm_medium=ios
Nope.
Is your number one concern that women be more happy?
As someone who was in a lot of Gottman research based couples therapy , I appreciate this article so much. Communication is important, yes, but almost useless if it doesn’t motivate change. That said in post divorce dating, I no longer fool myself thinking a person will change (at least not that much) but rather ask myself if I can live with the current version, the good and the bad swirled together.
This was our attempts at couples’ therapy completely. It was my husband, now ex, who could talk a good game and then never, ever, ever apply any of it in real life. Completely incapable of the slightest change. Finally, I just told him that he was the one needing therapy (I was in my own) and I was never going to counseling with him again until he looked at himself. Never happened. Absolutely crazy-making. He was never wrong or at fault for anything in 40 years of marriage.
I think a further extension of this is, if people don't want to change, that is their right. But then maybe these two people just shouldn't be together. Alison Armstrong said something to the effect that 90% of problems she sees between couples are the result of people being with the wrong person in the first place. That seems about right to me.
I agree with you. As a couples therapist I’ve seen the common and unfortunate dynamic where the person who “doesn’t want to change” either doesn’t know this themselves, continues to make promises (that even they believe in the moment) just believable enough that the other person holds out hope, or the non changer uses underhanded tactics to keep the relationship going. By this point, a huge investment of time and energy had been made, leaving the partner who desires change feeling crazy, resentful, like it’s their fault, making themselves smaller and their needs fewer to accommodate etc…
Many give in to the sunk cost fallacy and are truly “miserable with the familiar” they’ve spent so much time with rather than moving into the uncertain.
I bear witness to such abuse inside the relationships of my clients ! They are verbally skilled at acknowledging and agreeing to the abuse - yet they stay… To be clear, I am speaking about those who have the financial and social support to leave in this context.
People struggle to leave each other despite knowing the other person won’t change and they are truly a mis-match. 😞
I also believe the relationship industry keeps this sick dynamic going with the repeated tropes of better communication, understand your partner and where they’re coming from, be patient etc…
Rarely does a therapist say, “hey this might be hard to hear but I truly have not seen any evidence that shows me things will change between the two of you. If this will be your life here forward, how does that feel for you?” I say something like this frequently, when it’s clear to me this is more the truth than suggesting this app, this book, this communication exercise, a vacation, a retreat etc… This is the crossroad of raw, honest conversations and choices going forward. I’ve seen more folks remain together (and still profoundly unhappy) as they truly believe there is some magic wand is out there to move them from talk to action… It’s sad to see.
Exactly!! Honestly the thing that made the lightbulb go on for me was an Instragram post asking: "Do you want to be loved like this for the next 20 years?" And my response was a full-body "NO!"
A full body NO! ♥️ I’m with you on that! I chose that no and left.
The mismatch is even worse when abuse is happening. Communicating hurt and damage to someone who understands, but doesn't care, just validates what they're doing. Nothing has to change, you just have to say it differently. Again and again and again.
The Gottman Four Horsemen can also be viewed as a cycle or pattern. When even everyday requests from one partner are heard as criticism by the other regardless of intent, that leads to defensiveness which often leads to stonewalling which then tends to grow contempt in the person who made the original request. Then it repeats. It’s a phenomenal business model for divorce lawyers but not so great for the couples involved.
This is such a precise diagnosis, Patri.
The thing I keep seeing with the women I work with is that they understand the problem completely and can describe the dynamic more accurately than most therapists could. The reason they stay in the communication loop is because somewhere underneath all of that understanding is a belief they've never quite examined: that the quality of their relationship is a direct reflection of the quality of their effort, which means if it's not working, they haven't done enough yet, haven't explained it right, haven't been patient enough, haven't made themselves easy enough to love.
Imago can, at its best, interrupt that. But it can also, without meaning to, reinforce it, because it keeps putting the woman back at the communication table with a new framework and asking her to try again.
Relational sovereignty asks a different question entirely: is this relationship asking me to continuously earn something that should simply be given?
I write about the conditioning underneath this if that's of interest. https://savvylove.substack.com/
This line feels central:
“The issue is not whether the explanation is correct. The issue is whether the explanation changes anything.”
Yes.
I lived this.
Couples therapy extended my marriage by more than five years.
And for a while, it looked like it was working.
Inside the container of counseling, things improved.
There was more language.
More reflection.
More temporary behavior change.
More evidence I could point to and say, “See, maybe this can become something different.”
But when the container was gone, the pattern returned.
Because the real issue was not communication.
It was relational capacity.
One person was willing to self-reflect, extend, understand, adapt, try again, and keep making the relationship possible.
The other person was willing to do enough inside the structure of therapy to keep the relationship intact.
That is not the same as being interested in change.
And I think this is where so many women get trapped.
We are conditioned to keep extending ourselves at our own expense.
To understand more.
Explain better.
Hold more context.
Give more chances.
Treat insight as evidence of transformation.
But sometimes the insight only keeps us invested longer in a relationship where real accountability is not happening.
The question is not:
Do I understand why this is happening?
The question is:
Is anything actually changing when no one is holding the structure for him?
Because someone can want to keep you and still not be willing to become capable of meeting you.
Yes--absolutely -- this is my story truly. And it's so sad, because I really loved my husband and wished to be married to him for life -- but relational capacity was so limited that it would have meant a life time in an undernourishing relationship with breadcrumbs of love and endless amounts of labor flowing from me.
I think the narrative is that couples therapy can solve issues, but I believe a good therapist should also help you determine if a relationship is good one and worth staying in or not.
Patri, “why is it still happening?” gives this essay its sharpest turn. You name the point where communication, empathy, and therapeutic language can become a holding pattern if the household labor, emotional labor, responsibility, reliability, or reciprocity remain unchanged. I appreciate how carefully you protect the value of understanding while refusing to let explanation become a substitute for action. Grateful for the clarity and courage you bring to naming the moment when insight has to become changed behavior.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments, always.
While I understand much of the context is set in intimate partnerships, I learned much from the examples at the end of this post that shone a light on organizational rupture between boards and management too. Thank you
I'm not a great believer in therapy applied to every distress the modern man has. That said, the moment I heard a married couple I know since forever arguing over household stuff and using words like you invalidate me and other stereotypes heard in therapy, I closed that door and bolted it
This really stayed with me.
Understanding why someone behaves a certain way can create empathy. It doesn’t create change.
I see a similar pattern with money. Many women spend years understanding why the financial decisions happen the way they do, yet never become part of making them.
Insight matters. But participation changes lives.
Have you heard of relational life therapy? Terry Real's philosophy is probably the most piercing perspective I've ever encountered for heterosexual relationships. I still argue he's not feminist enough, but it's a far better cry than any other orientation I've come across.
As a couples therapist I so appreciate this essay! You are spot on! I find many couples are skilled in “understanding and empathizing” with their partners while remaining stuck in the intellectualizing/therapy-speak phase. Many are, at the end of the day, afraid to make the changes. While they will confidently say they are disappointed, upset, angry, sad and so on with the status quo, once they realize the move from familiar to uncertainty is scary for both of them, there’s more expansiveness to explore role changes etc..